Reasons I May Like My Best Friend.

Well, I was just in the shower (which is where I do my best thinking), and I just couldn't get my mind off the fact that I may like my best friend. I just need to concretely see these reasons, writing them was my next rational option, because where my thoughts end, words always seem to begin.

1. He actually knows me. This is very important because usually guys get to know me well enough to get me to go out with them, or try to get me to sleep with them. (That's right boys, I'm on to you.)
2. He's really good-looking, within the first week of knowing him I remember telling my friend Jessie that "he has a face hand-crafted by the gods." Yeah, I know I'm a tad dramatic, but hey, he's super cute.
3. I know he would do anything in his power to help me if I needed him to.
4. He's a caring soul. When a teacher made me cry one day in class, I ran out of the room to go to the bathroom to cry in solitude; he came running after me.
5. I honestly don't think I could get tired of him, we just connect like that.
6. He's a mystery, I say this because, yes, I do know him very well, but he's quiet and introvert when it comes to his feelings. I can't tell if he likes me more than a friend or not, and usually I am a very good judge at that.
7. We can literally joke about everything, and boy do I mean EVERYTHING. We once joked about poop. I'm not kidding.
8. I'm very comfortable around him. It's not the situation where you know someone and you like them so in your mind you put them higher than yourself like "Wow, that person isn't half as gross as me, I bet they never have earwax or pimples". With us, we understand we're both human and we have bodily functions, like passing gas, pooping, earwax, zits, and all that gross stuff.
9. We find ways to touch each other, and not in the sexual way or anything, I just like to feel warmth. When we watch movies or do notes in the class we sit beside each other in, we always have our knees, legs, or feet touching. It's almost a security blanket.
10. He'd protect me in a heart beat. I know this because when the teacher made me cry in the situation mentioned in number 4, the teacher gave him and another student a project to work on outside the room so he could yell at me and my fellow "fuck-up" (I never cuss, that's a direct quote). When he asked me what was said he told me "That's why he made me and Jess leave, because he knows I'd say something about him yelling at you like that, it's not okay. He's knows I would have fought back."

I just don't even want to be anything serious with anyone else. Trust me, I've tried replacing him, but I haven't found a soul I favor as much as I favor his. It's not only his perfections I like; I like the things that he contradicts himself about. I like how when I don't know how to do something he doesn't treat me like an idiot, he explains, he reiterates, and helps me until I understand. His patience and acceptance are so appealing. The way his glasses perch on his face, the way he sniffs when he has a cold, just everything is so familiar and welcomed by me. There isn't anything I wouldn't accept about him because I understand he would always accept me. We may not have to be in constant communication to understand we're right there when the other is in need, I feel like that is an element I've never had in any of my other relationships. I feel like if things don't work out for us, we will always be friends. There's definite reserved spot in my heart for him.

Poem #11

Under
this
skin,
my soul
dances
to songs
only
I can
hear.

Poem #10

Today,
I let
myself
cry.
I am
stronger
than I
thought.

Poem #9

I build
myself
up just
to be
torn
d
o
w
n.

I Want to Swim in the Garden.

There it is again, that sinking feeling deep down in your core. It feels like the world has thrown me into the raging ocean with nothing but a life jacket for a toddler. It's just enough to keep my head above water, it's enough to keep me from dying as my fragile, breakable body is shoved and jerked around by the violence of the storm. My life is just one big movie. A movie that keeps you on the edge of your seat, a movie that you wouldn't tell any of your friends about because it's treasured. It's your's and you want to sit alone in your room and watch over and over because it gives you feelings that you couldn't openly share with others. My life is a roller coaster of genres. One day I am preppy with my argyle socks and matching sweater, the next I smear dark eye shadow on the pale skin of my eyelids and prance around in my black suede combat boots. People may think I don't know who am I. I've hit that crucial point in life where no matter what costume I choose for the day, I know who I am underneath the multicolored fabrics. And I understand a very hard concept that many people never grasp. Underneath our clothes were all naked. We are all the same. We are all the same, we are humans. We are all made up of the same materials, we are all carbon-based. I don't care if someone's sexual orientation is different than my own, or what religion they are, or if they prefer mayonnaise on their burger instead of ketchup. If they have a pair of expensive shoes, or if they only wear old tee shirts and jeans, it's okay. It's not our job, as humans, to judge, belittle, and berate others of choices they make. Because at the end of the day, who cares if they wear different socks on each foot, who cares if they wear black and brown in the same outfit, who cares if a girl is 110 pounds or 160? What's on the outside is superficial, the fundamentals of their personality may have nothing to do with appearance. I am a human, and so are you. We all live in a tumble of weeds, and everyday we have to pull one out in order to grow the garden of who we are. Some gardens may be more extravagant than others, some may be full of roses and others full of different grasses, and that's okay because it's still beautiful and it's still our own. I have have a little bit of everything in mine, I feel as though I have a plethora of colors that almost burst from the petals of each and every flower. Not everyday can be sunny, so we have to remember that we shouldn't fight who we are, and we should always fight the tempest that comes our way. We need to view struggle, not as a thing to avoid, but a thing to dive head first into, because struggle builds us, struggle helps define us.

Poem #8

I
Have
A
Mind
Way
Beyond
My years.

Angels Still Watch Over Me.

A week ago I went downtown with Benn and well, we ended up cuddling in the park. I lost my favorite and most prized necklace. It was a beautiful angel I bought at the National Cathedral. I bought my angel because she was the angel of friendship, and I've always struggled with friends. I wore her and she always seemed to comfort me, not that I'm religious, but she was still comforting. I had never seen real snow before buying her. I had her in my hand and I wrapped myself up in a bundle coats and fabrics to keep me warm, and I walked outside. It was snowing, and a totally different kind of snow than what we get in Greenville. It was beautiful and pure. I just stood outside with my face toward the clouds until I had snowflakes in my eyelashes. I had worn her every day, every minute until her chain broke and I connected her to my favorite color green ribbon. I miss her dearly. I need to find a replacement. I think it's silly how much I valued her, how much I depended on her to make friends. Angel's still watch over me.